Why I Consider Myself Unemployed Rather Than A Stay-At-Home Parent

I remember asking once, as a child who had recently discovered the injustices of capitalism, why I couldn’t opt out of it by “going money-free”.

Here I am some ten or twelve years later, considered by the majority of insurance providers, loan providers and landlords, to have no income. My spouse is also considered to have no income – his chronic pain makes most full-time jobs out of reach for him. Sometimes he works part-time. Sometimes he is self-employed. Sometimes he is unemployed. Not that that’s some dreadful swear word or anything – people move in and out of the workforce for lots of different reasons. We generally can’t afford childcare until my daughter can get free hours, so she’s raised at home, but it’s quite different from what I imagined.

The stereotype of a stay-at-home mother is one of a lady of leisure, carelessly swiping their spouse’s card for shopping sprees, Starbucks sprints and three different groups a week. They kill time by “going for a drive”. They spend nap periods organising Pinterest activities and evenings preparing aesthetic packed lunches using cookie cutters. It’s true that I have spent a lot of time this year aimlessly wandering around shopping centres and using the free Wifi at Starbucks. Apart from reproduction, that’s pretty much all I have in common with the proverbial yummy mummy.

When people look at me, what they see is a young woman who wasn’t on birth control and didn’t have an abortion. A maker of rash romantic decisions who’s not technically a teenager, but not far off. This is crude but it’s not “self-deprecating”, it’s just what people see. Pro-lifers like me, Daily Mail readers don’t. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink much and I want to instil good manners and healthy habits in my daughter, and yet I still come under scrutiny. I call myself unemployed because other people see me as unemployed.

I end up constantly checking myself and asking myself questions. How can I make it look like my pregnancy was planned? If I wear stylish clothes, will people think I spend too much on clothes? If I don’t, will I be sneered at for letting myself go? If I choose a non-natural colour for my hair, am I going to need to explain to anyone that it came out of a box from Sainsbury’s? Will I feel like I can justify my existence by only making myself visible in public places on weekends?

I consider myself unemployed because even though I am waiting for my daughter to start school before I give myself any major commitments, I doubt this is permanent. I am becoming more and more interested in freelance work and maybe even running a business from home. Remember my acquaintance who is “home for the kids” who are all in secondary school? Saying that this extreme choice is “culture”, (which would mean it was racist to question it) isn’t very accurate. I know a lot of women from my culture who use their children’s school hours to make money from things like catering, baking, baby gifts, event decorations, eyelashes and nail art. If I were to make a list of my values, I would put family and love, of course, but I would also put freedom and independence. Aren’t those far more relevant to my culture? If I were to meet one of our freedom fighters, I think they would be quite offended if my only goal in life was to demand pocket money from a man with a back problem.

I asked another friend “what do you do?” to which she replied “I’m at home”, and I thought this turn of phrase reminded me more of a potted plant than an adult acting of her own free will. As for calling myself a homemaker, it sounds woefully old-fashioned, reminding me of 1950s housewives who subsisted on stimulants, chewing gum and air. Before I had a baby, I went to university for roughly three years, during one of which, I had a part-time job. I was a student, of course, but when I didn’t have a job, I described my status as unemployed. I did unemployed person things like writing my CV and asking local businesses if they were hiring.

Given my circumstances, I think I would feel ungrateful and financially irresponsible if I took on the “stay-at-home mum” label. The state is there to ensure that the bottom tier of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is met in an increasingly expensive society. It’s not a sugar daddy or replacement breadwinner (whatever that means in my family). If I wanted the latest status symbols, which I don’t, I fully acknowledge my need to get them second-hand, go to an outlet or wait for a sale or a birthday or Christmas. I consider anything over £20 to be a large purchase. I try to think of financing as a last resort; I don’t even have a car, and if I did, it would probably be a used Volkswagen. I am writing this from either a refurbished laptop or a hand-me-down Iphone. It’s also important to me that my daughter doesn’t become materialistic.

When my daughter has grown up, I would like to be able to say that I spent lots of time with her. What I don’t want is to feel guilty for relying on someone who is only intermittently able to financially provide for me, or for living beyond our means to chase the at-home lifestyle. I think the difference between being at home and being unemployed is one of attitude, the role of your partner in contributing financially, and, more often than not, privilege.